I hope you are over that rather cliché title.
In the fall of 2008, I took an American history class. The time period was from the Reformation to present day. Funny this is, while we did talk a lot about America, as the class went on, it went more into world history as America rose to prominence.
Mr. Lynn talks about history like rednecks talk about hunting and fishing and trucks and such. He grew up and owns his own farm. He has an AK-47 at home and is ready for China to invade. Towards the end of the semester, I told him if the world ended, I'd want to come live at his house. He said I could and that we could defend our green bean plants from bandits.
The first day of class, every teacher went through the motions they are required to go to. One of those was that the door to the class always had to remain locked and shut for "security reasons" (meaning: in case of school shootings).
Mr. Lynn was a little different. It's been a few years but I'll never forget the gist of what he said:
"We have to keep these doors shut in case a homicidal manic opens fire on campus. There's plenty of cover on campus. In the event a homicidal maniac opens fire on campus, and you are outside, try if you can to make your way to my truck in the parking lot over here where we will then - return fire!"
Needless to say, this class was interesting. I looked forward too it everyday; it was an 8am class. As the class went on, I started writing down all of his random quotes I found funny, interesting, and shocking. This is definitely one of those situations where you had to be there. For years I have been meaning to write down all of his quotes I recorded, and so now I will do so.
Without further adieu, the best of Mr. Jeff Lynn:
Is science the salvation or destruction of mankind?
Populism - when one gets elected from offering "free stuff"
Welfare - the safety net can't become a hammock.
If the FDIC goes out of business, you won't be worried about money. You'll be worried about food, water, and bullets. Lots of bullets. Because it will be the end of the world.
After Jacob Coxey was arrested, his "army" dissolved like sugar in iced tea.
When something belongs to everybody, it really belongs - to nobody.
Regarding communism.
Imperialism - when a strong country takes over a weak country to make money.
This is Columbia, where they grow cocaine and coffee. I guess they are awake down there in Columbia.
They (Europeans) couldn't conquer Asia and Africa because it was filled with Asians and Africans.
We are China's #1 customer. We won't have a problem with China unless we stop buying their rubber dog doo and concrete yard gnomes.
Americans love cars because of the freedom.
Old people were as rare as rocking horse poo. (During the early 1900s.)
I don't dance - unless I'm intoxicated.
The #1 killer of poor people is obesity. No one liked the thought of chldren going hungry, and now look at what we did.
Never in modern history, have democracies gone to war with each other.
"Yes sir, officer! POW! LUNCH TIME!"
In regards to WWI soldiers not wanting to charge across no man's land into machine gun fire.
In France, a guy tried to mug me without a weapon.
They're nuclear bombs! You don't just throw them around like popcorn in a movie theater!
Regarding the mutually assured destruction idea.
Humans never innovate until we are under pressure.
The Treaty of Versailles is the worst treaty of all time.
Scapegoating serves ignorant people.
Regarding the anti-semitism in Post-WWI Germany.
When your family lives in the same house since 1914, you tend to acquire a lot of crap.
Joe Biden was wrong and I was wrong.
Regarding whether splitting Iraq into 3 countries based on sects would start wars. 2008 was when sectarian violence was pretty high.
United Nations - the international debating society!
"Let's just put all these countries together and called it Yugoslavia. Bring me another gin and tonic!"
Lynn visualized the leaders of Post-WWI Europe coming together at a cocktail party and drawing up Yugoslavia on a napkin. Meaning that putting those people groups together would lead to war later, which happened in the 1990s.
When I meet an America-hater, someone that thinks we are evil, I know they haven't ever studied communism
Lynn apparently argued with people on the internet quite often.
[Example: People would know this stuff if they would read a book and were] ...not watching Dancing With the Stars all the time
By far Lynn's favorite phrase. He loved to rag on DWTS for some reason. Hard to understand out of context like this, I know. He always said it after talking about something obvious most people don't know or understand.
The KKK was biggest is Texas, Oklahoma, Oregon, and Indiana. It was never in Louisiana.
Because it excluded Catholics. A similar group, Order of the White Camilia, was in Louisiana [1920s].
Charles Lindbergh was racist and wanted to make an alliance with Germany.
FDR was the closest thing to a dictator we've ever had.
If shoe-shine boys are investing in the stock market, it's bound to come crashing down!
Regarding the story of John Kennedy telling a shoe-shine boy about the stocks he owned, and then proceeded to sell them all soon after before the 1929 crash.
They (stock analysts) say you should hold out because stocks will recover. If they don't, then you need to invest in cabbage seeds and .22 bullets.
When [America's] economy catches a cold, the rest of the world gets the flu.
Not his quote but this was the first time I had heard it.
I tell my kids to work, work, work, because I'm going to spend every penny of it.
On retirement and social security.
All that evil needs to triumph is for good people to do nothing.
Regarding Hitler's "Final Solution". Again, not his quote.
No matter how much hatred one harbors, they [the Nazi's] all broke at the end of the day. Which is why they preferred gas chambers.
Regarding the Rape of Nanking. He read from the book with the same title, and started weeping in class. It was heartrending. Probably the only moment I had like this in college.
Newt Chamberlain said, "We have peace in our time". WWII broke out the next week.
The Maginot Line - about as dumb as Plan XVII, if that's possible.
The French Army will melt away like sugar in iced tea.
On Germany invading France in WWII. This is his second favorite phrase.
During 1946-48, we (the Allies) starved Germany. More children died than as many Jews were ever in Europe.
Between the two of them they killed 100,000,000 of their own people. They would have no qualms killing you!
Regarding Mao Zedong and Joseph Stalin.
The purpose of the missiles is to not use the missiles!
Regarding MAD: mutually assured destruction.
The French sent German troops, who were captured WWI soldiers, to Vietnam.
Suburbs - works as long as gas is affordable.
The boycott - as American as apple pie.
[The Cuban Missile Crisis is] One of my favorite episodes of the Cold War!
During the 1960s, Israel had the highest birthrate on Earth.
Relevant due to the wars.
Bid Laden had millions of dollars and ten years of prep time to hide [in Tora Bora].
You know it's bad when even the UN gives up on you.
Regarding Somalians shooting UN aid workers without provocation.
Thanks for reading. I also have a bunch of quotes from my philosophy teacher I'll post one day.
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